Navigating the Storm Within
Perhaps it's a natural response to the passing years; maybe the lack of sunlight in winter or the ongoing political divisions are to blame. I can’t be the only one feeling overwhelmed, but I was taken aback by the wave of emotion that hit me this week on my birthday.
On one hand, I felt incredibly blessed. I received well-wishes from many family members and friends while staying cozy at home, where the captivating blanket of snow transformed the view outside my windows. We gathered for dinner and game night with some dear friends, making it a near-perfect day. Yet, I simultaneously found myself grappling with an unsettling sadness that I couldn't shake.
The condemning voice of self-doubt was ever-present, demanding attention and overshadowing the glimmers of joy available in the present moment.
The story playing on repeat:
You are wasting your life.
Who do you think you are?
What is the point of trying something new?
It is foolish to expose your thoughts to the world.
You are an embarrassment. Go back to hiding.
You are a fraud and a failure.
You will never be good enough to make a difference.
Enter guilt, a close companion throughout my life. The complex dance of competing emotions often leaves me questioning my own feelings. When sadness or doubt creeps in, it always seems to shout that I must be lacking in gratitude, as if I can only hold one emotion at a time. But deep down, I know that's just the negative voice—my own inner critic—trying to take the lead.
Every time I try to silence this relentless chatter, it only gets louder, demanding my attention. I've devoured countless books and know well enough that the key lies in genuinely listening to that voice rather than pushing it away. But the idea of confronting it fills me with dread.
I can’t shake the fear that if I dive into those murky depths, I’ll be exposed as the failure I secretly believe I am.
It's a battle, not just with guilt but also with the fear of discovering that the real me will be an even bigger disappointment.
I'm tired of letting this voice of doubt control me. So, I've decided to give it the space it needs to be heard. Like Peter Pan, I long to stay in Neverland, resisting the pressures of chasing the American Dream. And when I look around, it often seems like everyone else has everything figured out, while I feel like I'm lagging behind. But the older I get, the more I realize that no one knows what they're doing. Some people may be better at pretending to "fake it until they make it" than I am, but deep down, we're all just trying our best, taking things one step at a time.
Still, I didn't expect to feel this way at this point in my life. I thought I would know what I wanted to be when I grew up by now. I imagined that life would lead me to a finished destination where I would feel settled. In reality, though, the endpoint often feels like a mirage in the desert—always on the horizon, elusive and hazy.
For me, being 46 feels like this: I still find myself uncertain about what I'm doing or where I'm headed, but I'm not willing to throw in the towel. I want to come to know and live out of my true self.
Living from a truer version requires me to accept that not everyone will like the changes.
I'll keep battling against self-doubt, and along the way, I hope to inspire others to do the same.
